Goodbye, Music

I've been steadily going back and forth with this decision for some time. 

Over a year at least. In many ways, I felt obligated to music. I felt it was there for me in some of the greatest times of pain and offered me much relief and different ways of how to express myself. 

However, over the last few years, I believe I have been elevating to a point where I didn't need to depend on this method as much and that it was time for me to burst through a new modality. Again. the deep loyalty to music kept me bound.

Do not get me wrong, music is beautiful as we all know. It has been a foundation for my life forever. Many musicians and singers in my family. My father was a band director. I learned the flute and how to read and understand music and music theory. etc

But truthfully, the last few years of my life made it clear to me that for whatever reason it was leading me in the direction that was starting to make me feel the opposite of its initial purpose. I got tied into the group setting with a few of my friends with OAK Tribe. We had some awesome times indeed and it was very inspiring but even the way we joined was a red flag in many ways. But we found the strength to continue on as a unit up until recently.

Then I kept trying to collaborate with artists and producers and without fail that always ended badly. Even my recent breakup was due to this type of scenario. I was trying to take a shot at maybe doing a project again. I took up a deal with a producer who was offering me an extreme discount on a nice bunch of tracks. The problem is, this particular individual has been one that had continuously disrespected our relationship and because of deep trauma I am currently in pursuit of healing from that trails back into childhood, I wasn't as blunt as I needed to be with him. I let him know the truth, however, I would have benefited from being a bit more of a "bitch." If anything, just making a complete cut off which was always what I wanted to do anyway.

Music has turned into something different for me and I think God has steadily been trying to guide me into a different direction. You know when you're trying to make something work and it just doesn't? Perhaps that's not the right best way.

My ex would always profess to me that he felt music would always be more important to me than him and our relationship. I could never understand that but I believe I've been offered some deep understanding of what he was trying to say as of late.

Our relationship was very spiritual to me. We didn't need tons of things to prove it like doing yoga together or pictures of us praying and anything for that matter. It was just the simple way of being for us. Life isn't separate from our spiritual nature as people. It is all encompassed. Even when I felt confused, I knew deep down we understood each other on a deep soul level. I remember the first time I looked him deep in his eyes and his kissed me and he asked me to "trust him". I felt such a divinity in that moment.

So because I felt this was a true union between us, a harmonization of the masculine and feminine and a reflection of God, I'm started to understand that it wasn't particularly that he felt music was more important than him or us but even deeper; I wasn't attending to my true spiritual values. I was so attached to what was making me comfortable (music) although it was actually causing major disruption within my life. Within me. I was allowing myself to be blinded and disconnected from the true guidance from within which created leaks and openings for lower vibratory suggestive energies to flow through.

Even just making the decision to stop with music (at least for some time) feels like a major divine potion just entered my life and suddenly wounds are starting to regenerate and present themselves to me in a way that I can digest and grow from. I truly love to sing and feel music. I do believe I'll still engage in the act in a more leisure fashion when it just feels good and for pure fun. But as far as a dominant focus, nah. That's not where I'm being guided.

I write more heavily about this and experiences that I realized bruised my psyche in my more younger years and produced the person I was growing out of thus produced the person I am growing into and essentially the person that I am in my book "EXPOSED". This is why I'm beginning this blog. To build the momentum and strengthen my muscle of vulnerable healing.

I feel aligned in this decision. It's time for unwavering faith. 

Maya