Who were you before you HAD to be something?

The last few days have been interesting. 

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To be more detailed, it's been jammed packed with constructive epiphanies, realizations, major changes and alas: a sense of peace.

I tasted joy. I caressed love and it protected me. I felt like the petals of my flowers had taken form as the bloom persisted.

Life never ceases to amaze me even with its cyclic nature. There's nothing new under the sun and yet, there's always something else.

Let's start here 

 I have been searching endlessly for myself. For my truth. For the ease of just living without a dead sense of unfulfilment. Don't get me wrong. I have experienced the true Maya. But I have come to see clearly that I've been living in 2 worlds desperately trying to flee from one but battling some deep subconscious obligation to serve it. 

I know I've talked lately about my breakup/taking a break (whatever is happening that words probably can't fully describe) between him and I. I've expressed how yeah, it was  is deeper than just a relationship and that what has really been cooking was far more phenomenal than just some boyfriend and girlfriend blues. (Yes, I'm fiercely passionate) I know I've expressed great sorrow even though in my center, I felt a strong sense of stillness and faith regardless. These emotions have opened me up as I've practiced wise processing rather than inducing an emotional catastrophe. They've brought me closer to god. They've carried me home.

I have so much juicy stuff to continue to add to my book but there are some facets of the story that I feel the need to lace through this blog.

A few years back, I was at Howard University of Washington DC. I loved it. I got to really start exploring life and as the ambitious young woman I am, I made a lot happen for me even in the short amount of time I was there. I had a campus job, I interned for this clothing line, I made it on the School of Communications Freshmen board, I quit the band my daddy was trying to force me into for money and started hustling and handling my classes on my own.

However, the silent illness that I lived with since a child had packed up and moved to DC with me and I suppose it officially wanted my undivided attention. It was at its all-time high. I can't explain the amount of pain I was enduring daily and it just kept adding other components. The nauseous migraines every evening, the heightened senses. I could feel everything. I could feel everyone. The bouts of blindness. (literally) The depression. I had no clue what was happening. I took my last stab at the medical industry and tried to get help from doctors which only left me a few co-pays broker.

I realized right then and there, I have to figure this out or I'm going to kill myself. I promise (this time) I'm not being dramatic. That was very practical in my mind at the time and I was really on the verge of the latter. I believe this was the point when eastern traditions and medicines and medicinal ways of living came into my awareness. I felt, finally something makes sense. Something I can do.

I won't drown out the story here but I'll just say attempting to heal my body took me on quite a journey. I delved deeper and deeper into holistic living. which led me deeper and deeper into esoteric information and occult practices and crystals and tarot and everything else that belongs in that category. I read book after book and watched video after video. I believe I may have honestly obsessed but in a way that really didn't seem like it to me.

I met friends and we became a group and we had beautiful times as well as unpleasant ones too. But all the while, I truly felt there was some darkness dwelling within and around me, that was not of my true essence. I struggled with it because I felt it was always trying to dominate who I am and keep me bound to impure ways. I couldn't understand how I can be looking directly at my happiness yet not feeling it. I knew it was here.

...The last few days, I realized that sometimes, we don't realize the extent of the things that we're needing to release and let go of. 

Spontaneously and seemingly out of nowhere I packed up every item that represented the new age type of lifestyle and put them in the trunk of my car in preparing to throw them out. Something really clicked within my soul and like how movies depict the flashbacks people get when they're having a near-death experience, I saw everything at once. I saw how when I left college on a medical leave, I was so disappointed and appalled that this was even happening. I couldn't bear feeling like a failure so I needed something to cling to. I needed some sort of identity. I couldn't just be seen as this college drop out. I felt no one really even believed the pain I was experiencing so to them, they just didn't know what I was doing. I was afraid of being judged. I was afraid of being a failure. 

So my ego came through like super save a h** and stood up for me. Gave me a persona. Put my gifts to use somehow. I became Maya the Magi, a singing mystical tarot reader and I'm looking right now like, wtf? how did this happen? lmao Do not get me wrong. It has been amazing as well. But somewhere in this, I became susceptible and unable to utilize my gift of discernment. I was not able to protect myself properly. My mind was a weapon against me and my integrity was shackled. I wanted to be free but I could never grasp what was enslaving me. 

Every deck had to go this weekend. Most of my crystals and all the other knick-knacks and I had. (which was a lot) I felt the greatest relief I have experienced probably to date. I'm not saying these things are totally horrible and that no one should use them or interact in this kind of lifestyle. I know some who read this are probably perfectly fine engaging with these things. But as for me, I need to breathe. I even had sessions set up this week and I could not wait another minute. 

I went to this dock I discovered when going to see my friend Josue play an acoustic set and I gently laid Maya The Magi down to rest and sat in prayer for about 2 hours. I laughed, I cried and I watched my reflection in the great waters. I remembered who I was. I reconnected to god.

I had been going to church lately just because I want to for some reason. I always loved going to church with him and I felt safe within our relationship. There's more I'll express there perhaps in another blog. 

I met up with a friend because I needed someone who I knew would have no judgment and a pure and compassionate heart to discuss these major shifts and received some priceless support and advice. Thank you :) I was hesitant because these friends I consider real friends, even family, I met by way of him. But I most definitely felt like I had my own relationship regardless. However the one I met up with recently is probably the only one I realized, at this time at least, I can trust on this level. One of the others basically explained to me their not really allowed to and it makes for an uncomfortable scenario. This tugged at me a little because I had been feeling a little alone but I decided ultimately not to take it personally and that it may be for the good ultimately and I'll be more careful with who I open up to. But again, the one I spoke with yesterday really felt genuine. It's a really good feeling. Obviously, I have this blog so I'm practicing some open vulnerability but there are always layers that are unexpressed. Sometimes you just need one ear. 

I bought a bible. Super random. I don't think I've touched one in like 15 years. (maybe an exaggeration but you get my point) and I started to read. Particularly in Ecclesiastes which was really interesting to me in a philosophical way. Now, hold on Y'all. I'm not saying that I'm turning into a die-hard Christian or however else you choose to describe it. Honestly, I don't know what is happening but I'm not resisting. All I know is my armor has suddenly elevated and I no longer am susceptible to lower vibrations. No longer the devil's bitch. I choose these words carefully. I'm obviously going to always be open-minded. I have learned too much to see from a narrow perspective. However, there's open-minded and then there's unprotected vulnerability. I believe in the collective consciousness and I know we are all experiencing our journies in a unique yet universal way. I still follow people who use various forms of divination and I think it works for them. But I had to get real with myself and ask, Maya how did you get here? What do you truly want? Who were you before you HAD to be something? 

With a deep breath, I settle back home. 

I am hesitant to even post this but in the name of "Exposed," I can't give y'all anything but my truth. 

I'll have more tomorrow. 

Tootles :)