A grand purge

...Whoa. And I'm back.

The last few months alone have been challenging. I mean life is a challenge in itself, but there are always these periods of time that seem like a growth spurt of sorts and they can be intense. They usually come with pain, tough decisions, deeper insight into self and major life changes. Our perspectives change, widen and expand and we're usually faced with a decision to level up or stay crunched in comfort.

Though as of late, I've been experiencing a deep bliss. It exudes something new and fresh although it's an ancient feeling. An immortal feeling always existing within me. Always. I've been pulled away from it. I've been distracted. I've been dwelling in spaces that caused an overcast blocking me from the luminescent radiance of my core. My soul.

I've been far removed, blindly trying to find my way back home and simultaneously always with guidance and direction. I haven't felt this feeling in its totality in a while. Since childhood really.

Young(er) Maya was self-aware. I'm remembering her more and more, especially with the task at hand of writing a memoir constantly drenched from diving back into those nostalgic times.

As complex as things may seem, it could always all be so simple. 

We could all choose to love ourselves and not base our existence off of thoughts, ideas and established ideas of how to live. We could listen to our heart's desires and respond lovingly with action supporting our passions and conduits of happiness. We could just be comfortable with who we are. 

I no longer wish to subscribe to the idea that living in effortless authenticity is a difficult task. That mentality alone feeds the struggle and creates the illusion. I'm blessed to say, I'm cool with Maya in all her unique ways.

Recently, my lover/friend and I reconvened. At this point, I was very comfortable with our separation and had come to a peace within everything that happened and everything that was. I had fallen in such a deep love with myself; something I wasn't sure I could achieve period. Sure, I learned about self-love and its importance, but there are truly levels to this shit. There are barriers to tear down and expansion to be had. As a protective measure, I tried to stand still and not budge. This re-connection slightly frightened me or had me on alert at least. I had to be sure that I was moving in my truest accord.

I had also made a connection during our separation and I cherished that budding relationship as well. Something I'll express more on later but I'll say it opened a door and allowed me to build something new and just as real in its own way. In many ways, I felt me learning to offer myself the deepest love I could muster was simply being reflected in my life. I felted loved inside and out.

Again, I tried to fight him but all in all, as I always knew what we have is deep and beyond many things that one can even verbally explain. It's a feeling. It's a deep truth. And honestly, when it's all said and done, we're just here for each other. Whole and complete on our own yet blessed to share it with each other. Whatever may come from our reconvening, shall be what it is I am just pleased with getting my friend back and experiencing an ability to truly break through barriers together. Grow together. Nonetheless, I'm happy Maya can just be okay with Maya.

EXPOSED: The memoir of an Invisible Woman

So as you know, I'm writing a memoir at the moment. There's a story thick in my tummy ready to be told, shared and released. It has been undeniably a challenge diving back into my life's experiences and recollecting the lessons that I gained from them all. Revealing parts of me that I had not only hidden from the world but from myself as well. It's quite a task to just write relentlessly. But it feels so good as well. Like a grand purge. 

I gave myself a deadline of December 1st 2017 to have the first manuscript draft completed. Nonstop November is among me. 

Later,

Maya