I'm beautiful and hideous too

Hey there :) I'm back with some words. Definitely a lot more growing and just being. Developing a deeper love and comfort within myself.  My weird ass quirky self.



I recently reached 3 months since the breakup and three months into really shining a light and exposing whatever I feel has been infested within me leaving me tangled up in fear and confusion. I gave myself 3 months, first of all, to get over the separation and start to really move on from the grieving stages of the breakup. Surprisingly my heart must have been in agreeance with this deadline because right around mid-October, I suddenly began to feel a major weight lift. This release came from understanding the situation, once again, in a deeper, practical and more well-rounded way.

This blog is not so much about the breakup and him and I as I'm feeling pretty cool about things now but I felt it was a good milestone to pull these thoughts from. 

First of all, I learned how profound my sense of victimization was. I learned that I didn't want to admit this either. I had already learned how important it was to take full responsibility for your life and your actions so I felt a deep shame and embarrassment that even with such knowledge, I managed to make a mistake. 

Mistakes

Mistakes are things that up until recently, I've allowed myself no room for. I was intolerant of it which was horribly contradictive because it didn't, by any means, mean that I did not make them. That I didn't do things wrong sometimes. That I didn't hurt others and I didn't make bad decisions at times. All it means was that I tried to pretend certain aspects of myself didn't exist so just maybe it'd disappear. It doesn't work like that, sister. 

Self-love is an interesting, important, relative and unique experience. I truly believe that those of us who are not engaging in this type of behavior with themselves are not not doing so because they don't want to love themselves. But rather, they genuinely don't know how. At least that's what I've gathered from my journey. On a general basis, it's not something that's seeded into us and thus our internal harvests bloom from deep-rooted insecurities and total ignorance of who we could be when fully nourished.  

Fully bathed in love. Fully accepted not just in our beauty, but in the parts of us that hideous. The parts of us that are a bit rough around the edges. The parts of us that are covered up but incessantly hissing. The parts of us that creep up the surface at the most inopportune times and pretending it doesn't exist comes to bite you in the ass. 

Offering the same patience and compassion to ourselves across the spectrum is important. It's liberating. And it's a major determining factor. 

With my relationship, I did make a mistake. I know it wasn't really on all on me why a separation was necessary but I must be able to own and accept myself in the matter. That's how you truly grow. And regardless, it was necessary and very healthy for both of us.  I feel much more free and able to let go. But this definitely runs deeper than just him and I. It was bigger than that.

These issues were so deeply rooted. and I'm excited that every day I'm  pushing pass these self-orchestrated barriers that stood between me and ecstasy. Sure, life is hard at times but we damn sure can make it harder. Exposing myself day by day. The good. The bad. The pretty. the Ugly. The kind. The Harsh. 

What do I have to hide? 

Later, 

Maya