Exposing my hiding spots

I literally cringe when I even so much as glance at a blog post I've written because the vulnerability is enough to make me nauseous. I'll be totally honest, this makes me sick. A bit literally. But it's the kind of sick you feel when you know something needs to come out (one way or the other) Let's use vomit lol

When you have to throw up, there's that feeling in your tummy and there's nothing stopping that bad boy. Perhaps if you catch it and keep it controlled at the right time, you may be able to find an appropriate and preferred space to relieve yourself but we all know that due to the urgency, sometimes where you are is where it's coming out.

Now, I'm not saying I'm throwing up and just blabbing in these posts. (though I might be too lol) But I surely am cleansing myself from these virus-like behaviors and defaults. The idea that I need to hold back in order to avoid disrupting. First of all, the only thing and one I'd be disrupting would be the part of me that fears the experience of truly being connected to self and relentlessly creating from that interconnected foundation. To be honest.

How does it make sense to be afraid of your fearlessness?

Here's the thing though...

Is it that serious? Is it that zaammnn serious?  I swim between deep waters and the shore sometimes drowning while other times remembering I can breathe and furthermore I can come up for air as well. I'm fully aware of my multi-dimensional, expanded, barrier-breaking self but have been in a strange haze like loop constantly cycling in the darkness. 

I come up with reason after reason why I can't step all the way into my truth and hit the ground fucking running. I run I run I run but in the words of the great Bob Marley, "You can't run away from yourself."

And to be totally honest, it's not really true. I don't mind being expressive and open and honest. I don't mind showing my scars as badges and also showing my beauty (internally) and giving my gifts. I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind. But I've learned over the years how to strategically create this facade around me thinking for some reason that it was truly protecting me. So I'm ready to stop living this lie. So that when I do share myself, it'd be done in confidence and not followed up by a streak of anxiety.

So I take a deep breath. 

Stand Still. 

Relax. 

Breathe out the anxiety.

Breathe out the fear.

Breathe out the hesitation.

I can't hide anymore y'all. So I am coming out. I have mastered the art of hiding. Now, I'm moving on to mastering the art of pure transparency. So check it. Here is a list of some of my hiding places and if any of y'all catch me up in them, call a sistah' out! 

1. "I don't want to seem vain by putting myself out there." In this new age of social media, I feel it puts a certain kind of pressure on us if we're not totally secure within ourselves. I've felt myself several (thousands of) times retract from sharing something or pursuing an idea because I feel like people would think I'm too full of myself. That I was conceited and/or narcissistic. But it's always been my nature to be creative and a performer and I would honestly do it whether or not there was a career involved or acknowledgments in general. So this idea of not wanting to seem vain is just another decoy for my internal insecurities and fears about my greatness and true instinctual passions. 
   
2. "I need this or that to get started." This or that can be a plethora of things; certain equipment, certain people, my hair did, the right musicians, money, a better idea. etc. Truth is, you need nothing but yourself to be yourself. You need nothing but yourself to start stepping in the direction that your heart is directing you to. You need nothing but yourself to wear your actual colors. We hold ourselves back tenfold by waiting for something as if we don't have everything currently present that we need. 
3. "I feel too deeply." Maya, just hush. You were created to be creative and often times within creativity lies the ability to perceive things on a deeper level which you then have the ability and choice to express it in a way that feels personally right for you. I've allowed myself to basically bombard myself and drown in my own pot of gold by way of suppression and neglect. Biting my tongue then crying over the blood. Accept your gifts, accept your uniqueness, then move like a boss. 
4. "My mind." Look, ain't that much thinking in the damn word. I over think every decision and examine it like a petri dish constantly putting myself in agony and stress and ultimately NEVER MAKING A MOVE. Honestly, I believe I get trapped in the mental web when I linger on a thought too long. Rather than when I'm just moving in a flow and actually creating and I'm able to make things tangible and more importantly, I'm able to just BE.
5. "Fear of failure." I think we all can agree, at this point, that failures are more like awesome lessons we learn through a little bit of pain, discomfort, or disappointment; not that those feelings have to last depending on our perspectives. I'm afraid to start something because there's a stage in the beginning when things are picking up momentum, where you have to believe and have faith and integrity and perseverance. I'm afraid of putting my all into something that ALSO has the ability to not manifest. 

Truth is, without this fear and everything that comes along with it, I'm a beast. I don't know how the hell I got entrapped there but best believe I'm here now.

These were just a few of my hiding spots and I'm definitely going to keep exposing them as I consciously come into awareness of them. The things I see for myself is magnanimous. The way I want to reach people and explore this world is in my heart ready to be lived. So I hold nothing back these days. I hold nothing back.

What do I have to hide?

Talk later,
Maya