Faith
Hello!
Today I wrote a nice chunk to my book/memoir. It was actually stressfully amazing. lol Going into those memories and truly feeling those moments takes more strength than I anticipated. There were points where I felt like my stomach was turning and I wanted to turn away and go into hiding. In the midst of writing, I'd asked myself, "What are you doing???"
I wasn't sure if it was an act of strength and coming of age or if I was just telling secrets and calling it a story. I started to allow tons of thoughts flood in about all the criticism that would come along with this because lord knows you can't please everyone. But eventually, I decided it was just time to take and break and that when I came back to it, I'd just keep going no matter what. No backing down.
I kept my spirits up for the most part today. I had a few dips. I had to console myself and stay in a state of prayer to counteract the low thoughts I was having about myself. I was feeling undeserving of life. Like all I did was cause people harm. Like in all my efforts to create happiness, I end up ruining it. Mainly, I was missing him. Feeling like a horrible piece of shit. Feeling like I wasn't strong enough for us. But hey, I have a habit of taking everything.
I secretly have this deep faith in us but I can't deny that perhaps that's a product of my delusion. *shrugs*
This is just me exposed. Well, part of me at least.
Maya
Today I wrote a nice chunk to my book/memoir. It was actually stressfully amazing. lol Going into those memories and truly feeling those moments takes more strength than I anticipated. There were points where I felt like my stomach was turning and I wanted to turn away and go into hiding. In the midst of writing, I'd asked myself, "What are you doing???"
I wasn't sure if it was an act of strength and coming of age or if I was just telling secrets and calling it a story. I started to allow tons of thoughts flood in about all the criticism that would come along with this because lord knows you can't please everyone. But eventually, I decided it was just time to take and break and that when I came back to it, I'd just keep going no matter what. No backing down.
I kept my spirits up for the most part today. I had a few dips. I had to console myself and stay in a state of prayer to counteract the low thoughts I was having about myself. I was feeling undeserving of life. Like all I did was cause people harm. Like in all my efforts to create happiness, I end up ruining it. Mainly, I was missing him. Feeling like a horrible piece of shit. Feeling like I wasn't strong enough for us. But hey, I have a habit of taking everything.
I secretly have this deep faith in us but I can't deny that perhaps that's a product of my delusion. *shrugs*
This is just me exposed. Well, part of me at least.
Maya
Comments
Post a Comment